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Friday, April 8, 2011

Doubt......On Paper

Everyone has doubt.  From the moment we wake up to when we go to bed......doubt always lies somewhere with us. 

My doubt I am struggling with today is in myself.  I know my worries are minimal and the things in my life are on such a small scale they effect no one but myself, family, and those close to me.  I hear people always telling others, "it could be worse," or, "but look how great your life is!"  These are all true but for those people in their moments of doubt and struggle it couldn't get worse.....and it hurts.....even if you do not see why. 

I have doubt in myself......and it hurts.  I am not used to this.  When I have normally doubt something I go out and fix it.  I prove it wrong.....go out and conquer whatever I felt held me back from or what made me incapable if letting go of it.  The doubt I woke up with today is different.

Is what I'm doing right, and what am I doing? Deep I know....But....I am truly asking myself this. 

To break it down, I have been overcoming my injury....I feel....very well.  I feel in the scope of what has been going on it matters little to most, but matters A LOT to me.  I want to say that first.  Second, I love Crossfit.....really I do.  It is my passion, something that I have found that fills in many questions in my life.  I, and everyone else i am sure, have been asked my entire life, "What will you do when you grow up?"  I have never been able to answer that question until I found Crossfit.  I have went through life asking what is I was meant to do.  i always loved fitness but nothing FELT right.  I feel I was designed for Crossfit.  It consumes me day and night, and in my current state I have DOUBT whether I will be able to continue the motivation or the ability I have had towards it in the past.  Again, it may be a split second thought and may go away but, I am scared of 10-20 Yrs passing and me still not doing what I know I should be doing, Crossfiting and coaching Crossfit.  I want to know everything there is to know about Fitness, Crossfit, and grow doing it for my entire life. 

Granted, I have only been Crossfitting and known of the sport for a little over a year.  but, they say when you know you know.  And i know. I want my career centered around Crossfit.....part of my Legacy.....around Crossfit.  Its training, when performed properly, is hands down above and beyond the rest.  I could never train any other way. 

Doubt still floats in me.....Do I still have the motivation?   I have been lazy.  I sleep until 7:30 AM....where 6 AM  used to be sleeping in.....sometimes I even sleep later!  The motivation is gone....I know a lot of it is because I am limited with my options and ability to train right now......I am obsessed yet cannot get my butt out of bed.  And what if I continue this way (I know that I won't but this is what I am thinking).  It is hard to think of how great things are when something so close to me was almost taken away, and currently I am unable to do.  I cannot stress how big of a deal Crossfit is in my life.  I put my heart into it since I found it and have had to put it on hold.  I have learned a lot since getting injured, but feel the true learning will come when I am healed. 

How will I overcome the adversity of falling down in my overall fitness?
Where will my training capacity be and how will it impact me?
Will my shoulder hold me back?
Why can't I remember where anything is anymore? (that is more of because I have been out of the box so much lately)
Will I continue to doubt myself?
Where is my limit and will I push myself to reach it?
Can I make a career out of this?
How can I make a career out of this?
How will sitting out of the Crossfit Games effect me though out the year physically and mentally? (Mainly mentally)

I will continue to have many questions, but none more then what would have been if I held onto that bar.....a question I have not asked myself much.....but as the Games continue to develop and move on to only the elite athletes left.  How will it effect me knowing many of the elite personally and watching them strive in the competition and have amazing stories to tell.

I know, I know......next year! you will be that much better!  it is motivation!.....yadayadayada......But I am in the now, I wanted this now, and I felt I could do it now.  It sucks, and it matters to me!  It may not be big to you......but it is to me!   \


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